How do I essay?

  • Listen to that song that always gets you really pumped up (Shipping Up To Boston by Dropkick Murphys is a personal favourite of mine)
  • Read essay title
  • Bathroom break
  • Ok time to start now, seriously
  • Pick a time that you promise yourself you’ll work until
  • Calculate how many hours you’ve decided to work for
  • Spend half an hour contemplating whether or not to start
  • Maybe get some food at this point, don’t want to starve to death while you write an A+ essay
  • Google how to write an introduction to an essay
  • Copy and paste the essay title into google to try find some sample answers
  • Find nothing
  • Look up stuff on Wikipedia and other websites you were specifically told not to use
  • Consider dropping out
  • Laugh about how ridiculous an idea that is (and because you know your ma would never let you)
  • Open Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and all other social networks
  • Take a picture of the books and notes you’re going to use for your essay and put it on all the social networks
  • Complain about the essay you still have to write
  • Decide how you’ll reward yourself once you’ve finished the essay
  • Reward yourself before you start
  • Bathroom break
  • Read the essay title again
  • Check everyone’s facebook to see if they’ve started their essay (they’ll probably have a picture of their notes uploaded with a humourous caption)
  • Get distracted and creep through their photos
  • Realise how much time you’ve wasted
  • Get really stressed about how much time you’ve wasted
  • Decide to calm yourself down by watching funny videos on youtube
  • Keep watching said videos until you somehow end up watching clips from Jeremy Kyle
  • Tumblr tumblr tumblr
  • Question the meaning of life
  • Check the time and take your scheduled break that was only meant to be half an hour but ends up being an hour and a half
  • Is that your family you hear laughing in the other room? Better go check what’s happening, you don’t wanna miss out on any valuable family memories
  • Now that you’re there, you better get some more food
  • Is that a film you like on telly? Whoops, there goes another 2 hours
  • Feel guilty
  • Read essay title again and skim through some notes
  • Refresh facebook and twitter…again
  • Bathroom break
  • Probably best to take a shower at this point, you don’t know how long you’re going to be writing this amazing essay
  • You haven’t flossed once in your life, but now seems like a good time to start
  • Sit back down at your laptop, extra motivated
  • Regret going to college
  • Write an opening sentence
  • Re-read the opening sentence
  • Erase the opening sentence
  • Check the time and realise it’s the time you told yourself you’d work until
  • Reward yourself
  • Convince yourself you’ll get up early the next day to do your essay
  • Repeat this process until the night before and panic

How do I college?

  1. Remember all those times your teacher (English in particular) told you that you needed to have more personal opinions and responses to texts because it would be oh-so-important in college? Bullshit. As soon as you get here, you and your opinion don’t exist.
  2. As soon as you get here, you will soon realise you don’t have enough t-shirts to wear a new one everyday like you planned.
  3. All those free hours you were delighted with when you got your timetable will soon become the most dreaded part of your day either because you have so much work to get done, or you have literally nothing to do.
  4. Napping is no longer just for toddlers.
  5. Don’t be that person who shows up 40 minutes late to a 50 minute lecture. The rest of us are questioning the logic behind your decision to show up at all.
  6. You’ll soon find out that whatever book you need from the library won’t be there when you go to look for it. Or you won’t be able to find the shelf it’s on. Or you’ll find the book and see how thick it is and decide you don’t need it that much.
  7. You will have a minimum of 1 person in your group who will do nothing for the project. This is just a law of the universe.
  8. You don’t know how to reference, and probably never will.
  9. Despite not knowing how to reference, it will still be the bane of your life.
  10. The mature students can be just as scared of college as you, so don’t be a dick to them.
  11. Just don’t be a dick to anyone in general.
  12. Don’t pick English. Just trust me on this.
  13. Your student ID picture will probably be the worst picture you have ever seen of yourself.
  14. Literally no one cares whether you drink or not. They care if you act like you’re better than them if you do/don’t.
  15. You’re allowed to judge the eejits who walk around in t-shirts on cold winter mornings.
  16. Don’t be the eejit who walks around in a t-shirt on cold winter mornings.
  17. You will finally get around to watching all the seasons of that one show you’ve been meaning to watch for ages, and this will probably be the most productive thing you do all year.
  18. I don’t think anyone even knows what a normal sleeping pattern is anymore.
  19. You will soon learn you have an accent that people like to make fun of.
  20. If you come to UCD, you’ll find out that the wifi sucks.
  21. Procrastination will just become part of who you are- if you need any proof of this, just know that I spent more time writing this than I did researching for my essay.