How do I essay?

  • Listen to that song that always gets you really pumped up (Shipping Up To Boston by Dropkick Murphys is a personal favourite of mine)
  • Read essay title
  • Bathroom break
  • Ok time to start now, seriously
  • Pick a time that you promise yourself you’ll work until
  • Calculate how many hours you’ve decided to work for
  • Spend half an hour contemplating whether or not to start
  • Maybe get some food at this point, don’t want to starve to death while you write an A+ essay
  • Google how to write an introduction to an essay
  • Copy and paste the essay title into google to try find some sample answers
  • Find nothing
  • Look up stuff on Wikipedia and other websites you were specifically told not to use
  • Consider dropping out
  • Laugh about how ridiculous an idea that is (and because you know your ma would never let you)
  • Open Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and all other social networks
  • Take a picture of the books and notes you’re going to use for your essay and put it on all the social networks
  • Complain about the essay you still have to write
  • Decide how you’ll reward yourself once you’ve finished the essay
  • Reward yourself before you start
  • Bathroom break
  • Read the essay title again
  • Check everyone’s facebook to see if they’ve started their essay (they’ll probably have a picture of their notes uploaded with a humourous caption)
  • Get distracted and creep through their photos
  • Realise how much time you’ve wasted
  • Get really stressed about how much time you’ve wasted
  • Decide to calm yourself down by watching funny videos on youtube
  • Keep watching said videos until you somehow end up watching clips from Jeremy Kyle
  • Tumblr tumblr tumblr
  • Question the meaning of life
  • Check the time and take your scheduled break that was only meant to be half an hour but ends up being an hour and a half
  • Is that your family you hear laughing in the other room? Better go check what’s happening, you don’t wanna miss out on any valuable family memories
  • Now that you’re there, you better get some more food
  • Is that a film you like on telly? Whoops, there goes another 2 hours
  • Feel guilty
  • Read essay title again and skim through some notes
  • Refresh facebook and twitter…again
  • Bathroom break
  • Probably best to take a shower at this point, you don’t know how long you’re going to be writing this amazing essay
  • You haven’t flossed once in your life, but now seems like a good time to start
  • Sit back down at your laptop, extra motivated
  • Regret going to college
  • Write an opening sentence
  • Re-read the opening sentence
  • Erase the opening sentence
  • Check the time and realise it’s the time you told yourself you’d work until
  • Reward yourself
  • Convince yourself you’ll get up early the next day to do your essay
  • Repeat this process until the night before and panic
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