What the college prospectus doesn’t tell you about English

  1. So much reading, so little time.
  2. Spark Notes is your new best friend.
  3. You’ll quickly learn that it’s possible to write an essay on a book you’ve never read.
  4. Oh, you thought you couldn’t understand Shakespeare? Wait til you meet Chaucer.
  5. If you’re still in Leaving Cert, take advantage of the fact that your teacher is analysing every detail of novels/poems etc for you.
  6. Your questioning of why you need to bother analysing certain things won’t stop in college, it’ll just get worse. (Especially if you have to do Alice In Wonderland because despite learning he was high when he wrote it, Lewis Carroll apparently left some deeper meaning in the book).
  7. Your personal opinion will never be allowed in an essay, so if you’re like me and giving opinions is all you’re good at, you’re screwed.
  8. Don’t mix up your and you’re. Just don’t do it.
  9. There’s a film adaptation of that book you’re meant to read? Hello popcorn and an evening in bed.
  10. The international students who aren’t fluent in English but are studying it are probably better at it than you.
  11. Oh, you’re a patriotic soul who has a strong dislike towards the English for those 800 years of oppression? Just do English in college and you’ll hate them for their language.
  12. Bluffing your way through essays becomes second nature.
  13. Just remember you’re not the only one sitting in the lecture hall hating English- I guarantee if you ask anyone sitting near you what they think of this English module, they’ll have the same dead eyes and lack of enthusiasm as you.
  14. You might think you enjoy reading enough to do English, but a book a week will soon become a chore.
  15. You will get about 25% of your reading list read, and will sit in class pretending you did the rest.
  16. Just don’t pick English in college, kids. Don’t do it.
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