How do I Leaving Cert? Part 2

  1. Your graduation will be an emotion-filled night with really heartfelt conversations and there might even be some tears…but then you’ll all be really embarrassed about it because 2 weeks later you see each other again for the exams.
  2. Opening your exam papers and trying to predict what’s going to come up this year doesn’t count as study.
  3. Geography students: learn off the Sue Honan revision book and you’ll be fine.
  4. You’re focusing so much on the poetry part of the English paper that you’re forgetting the story/essay is worth 25%.
  5. Don’t be the fool I was and focus so much on the poetry that you panicked when it didn’t appear on Paper 1 (if you don’t understand why it’s ridiculous to panic over that, you should probably open your exam papers and start taking this thing seriously)
  6. Sticking in song lyrics to your story is a clever plan, but an even cleverer plan is stealing the storyline to a book you’ve read and tweaking it to suit the title (I stole a chapter from Stephen King’s ‘Salems Lot’ and guess who got an A1)
  7. Someone is going to cry after the maths exam.
  8. Avoid History students before and after their exam because that is the kind of panic you do not need to surround yourself with.
  9. It’s best not to mention to your mother you left your exam after an hour.
  10. It’s even better not to leave your exam after an hour.
  11. Don’t overdo the ‘Granny lit a candle for me’ jokes the night before exams.
  12. It’s gotten to the point where you need to stop blaming your lack of knowledge on how terrible your teacher was and just sit down and learn it.
  13. I hate to break it to you, but the exams aren’t actually the worst part of the Leaving Cert; wait til the night before the results come out and you’ll know what I’m talking about.
  14. Don’t steal the debs money. Don’t be that person.

How do I Leaving Cert?

  1. Be the cool kid who lies about how much study they’ve done, everyone loves that.
  2. No one, and I mean no one knows what the point of project maths actually is.
  3. If you listen closely, you can hear 6th years everywhere complaining about how unfair the Irish education system is.
  4. If someone is trying to tell you a certain subject is easy for the Leaving Cert, they probably didn’t do that subject in the Leaving Cert.
  5. The last few weeks of school are the most vital for revision, so it’s only fitting that you don’t go to the majority of your classes.
  6. Don’t trust people who work over the Christmas break.
  7. Guilt becomes a familiar emotion.
  8. When you’re not working but don’t feel guilty about it, you’ll feel guilty for not feeling guilty.
  9. The Leaving Cert Stone is kind to no one.
  10. You’ll go through a phase of doing literally nothing because you’re in 6th year and what’s the worst that can happen to you now, you have a Leaving Cert, surely that’s punishment enough. (Some of you will really struggle to escape this mindset).
  11. “I have a Leaving Cert to study for” is a common excuse you’ll use to get out of doing things.
  12. You will spend a lot of your time telling the 5th years to study now because you didn’t listen to the warnings last year and wished you did.
  13. You’ll quickly learn a comparative can be done in about 40 minutes. It’ll be done very badly, but it’ll be done nonetheless.
  14. The Sraith Pictiúrs will be the bane of your life.
  15. Despite having studied Irish for most of your life, you probably still don’t know if it’s spelt “pictúir” or “pictiúr”.
  16. The more tired you are, the louder the first years are.
  17. You’ll be more stressed about how you’re not stressing about exams while everyone else breaks down.
  18. The jam making course jokes are all well and good, but come CAO time, you will seriously consider putting it down.
  19. The stuff you’re learning every day, all the quotes and essays, that stuff is absolutely vital in the real world.
  20. I don’t think a single student has ever known all 5 poets going into their English exam.
  21. Some things are just never going to make sense to you, like the subjunctive tense or why you’re taking a Leaving Cert at all.

How do I essay?

  • Listen to that song that always gets you really pumped up (Shipping Up To Boston by Dropkick Murphys is a personal favourite of mine)
  • Read essay title
  • Bathroom break
  • Ok time to start now, seriously
  • Pick a time that you promise yourself you’ll work until
  • Calculate how many hours you’ve decided to work for
  • Spend half an hour contemplating whether or not to start
  • Maybe get some food at this point, don’t want to starve to death while you write an A+ essay
  • Google how to write an introduction to an essay
  • Copy and paste the essay title into google to try find some sample answers
  • Find nothing
  • Look up stuff on Wikipedia and other websites you were specifically told not to use
  • Consider dropping out
  • Laugh about how ridiculous an idea that is (and because you know your ma would never let you)
  • Open Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and all other social networks
  • Take a picture of the books and notes you’re going to use for your essay and put it on all the social networks
  • Complain about the essay you still have to write
  • Decide how you’ll reward yourself once you’ve finished the essay
  • Reward yourself before you start
  • Bathroom break
  • Read the essay title again
  • Check everyone’s facebook to see if they’ve started their essay (they’ll probably have a picture of their notes uploaded with a humourous caption)
  • Get distracted and creep through their photos
  • Realise how much time you’ve wasted
  • Get really stressed about how much time you’ve wasted
  • Decide to calm yourself down by watching funny videos on youtube
  • Keep watching said videos until you somehow end up watching clips from Jeremy Kyle
  • Tumblr tumblr tumblr
  • Question the meaning of life
  • Check the time and take your scheduled break that was only meant to be half an hour but ends up being an hour and a half
  • Is that your family you hear laughing in the other room? Better go check what’s happening, you don’t wanna miss out on any valuable family memories
  • Now that you’re there, you better get some more food
  • Is that a film you like on telly? Whoops, there goes another 2 hours
  • Feel guilty
  • Read essay title again and skim through some notes
  • Refresh facebook and twitter…again
  • Bathroom break
  • Probably best to take a shower at this point, you don’t know how long you’re going to be writing this amazing essay
  • You haven’t flossed once in your life, but now seems like a good time to start
  • Sit back down at your laptop, extra motivated
  • Regret going to college
  • Write an opening sentence
  • Re-read the opening sentence
  • Erase the opening sentence
  • Check the time and realise it’s the time you told yourself you’d work until
  • Reward yourself
  • Convince yourself you’ll get up early the next day to do your essay
  • Repeat this process until the night before and panic